Everyone Needs It

A friend of mine approached me recently needing to communicate something she was frustrated about in regards to our friendship. It’s a friend I trust, so the words fell graciously and I was able to sort through and discover truth:  at the root of her disappoint was my lack of affirmation. She wasn’t seeking it. But even when we don’t seek or expect affirmation, we may still experience the consequences of not receiving it. These consequences surface as insecurity or resentment or feeling undervalued.

The absence of grace-filled words is just as powerful as a sharp tongue intended to hurt.

I’m thankful for the honesty of my friend. And I love these moments. The ones that draw out truth. The ones that reveal a weakness in me. The ones that lead to restoration and deeper trust.

Then tonight, we put the two Littles to sleep, and circled the table to play Settlers of Catan with the three Bigs. In between laughter and strategies, Connor slipped in a little rap he’s been practicing. His older brother chimed in and Connor quickly pointed out how Luke wasn’t as good as he was.

I stopped the game. Because these are the moments we really need to be playing.

I looked Connor in the eye and went right to the truth of it: You said that because you feel insecure about your abilities and skills. But pointing out the inabilities of others won’t make you better at what you do.

The truth set him free and he quickly opened his heart for his family to see. But I’m not the best at anything. Luke is always better. And just when I’m getting good at something, a brother or cousin ends up learning it better than me.

Ouch! This hurts a mama’s heart. It uproots the deep love I have for this child and makes me want to lavish it upon him.

We all got more focused. Not on the game, but on the one fighting back tears.

You are good at so many things I told him. Like what? He asked. I paused to consider my words carefully but he jumped to a conclusion. See! You can’t think of anything.

Again, my heart panged. Connor, it is good to have skills and abilities and talents, but what I want you to know in this moment is what matters most: who you are.

And as if we had strategized in secret, Mark skips not a beat and looks at Connor. You are so good at loving people. We all nod in agreement. A smile turns on his face.

Truth be told, his insecurities are rooted in reality. Most of ours are. It takes more effort for Connor to learn something. Things don’t come natural for him. And this has been reinforced for the past 10 years by the easy victories of his old brother and the trial and error of his own efforts.

This is hard to watch as parents. We encourage him and help him find things he is good at, but insecurities have a way of dominating. Of telling us lies. Of distracting us from truth. Of clouding our perspective.

In this moment, we wanted Connor to know – not what he is good at – but what he’s been created for: to love and be loved.

We took time to affirm his spirit and recognize the strengths of his heart. Because what really feeds our soul is the affirmation of our character and spirit.

I go to bed tonight with these stories engrained on my heart and they are teaching me about my words.

I consider how I’m not very generous with my words of affirmation. How I tend to think wonderful things about friends and loved ones and even strangers…..but I never speak them out loud.

I consider how my own insecurities keep me from acknowledging the strengths of others.

I consider how I’ve felt when people, especially those close to me, withhold affirmation or inadvertently don’t offer it.

I consider how we all probably assume someone else has given affirmation to the one deserving it, so we don’t need to.

I consider how confident people look like we don’t need affirmation…but how we all most definitely do.

I consider the people I know who are generous with their acknowledgments and words of affirmation. People like my husband and Sean Stockman and Dalaina Harrell and Kristan Shields. Thank you for your example.

I consider how increased affirmation would heal many wounds.

I consider how daddies need to be affirming their children often.

I consider how most of us are terrible receivers of affirmation.

And these considerations of my heart lead me to a fuller understanding: Genuine affirmation begins with God.

When we feel affirmed and valued by our Creator, we begin to appreciate his creative work in us – what we look like, our talents and gifts. It is through this acceptance and love of ourselves that we are able to genuinely receive the whole of others – their flaws, their irritations, their inabilities, their gifts, their uniqueness, their talents, their beauty.

May we learn to acknowledge one another in ways that overcome our insecurities and heal our wounds. In ways that honor God’s creative work in each other. In ways that satisfy our spirits, rather than feed our flesh.

May our lips speak words that inspire and encourage, acknowledge and heal. May they be intentional and generous, thoughtful and genuine.

Offer affirmation to someone today. Don’t hold back. Or save it for another day. Or only give it to those who look like they need it or those who are easy to speak it to. Let your words of grace fall like rain. Everyone needs it.