For Eternal Good {more on marriage}

The truth that this two becoming one is for eternal good was an aha moment in our marriage, the understanding we needed in order to focus on what was really going to transform us. For so long we had been trying to appreciate and engage his needs-my needs and how we can work toward satisfying one another in love.

Yet the true longing of our hearts is to be fulfilled by the Father, satisfied by his love.

If we listen to this heart cry, we will take our needs and attention to the author and perfecter of our faith. And only then, when our eyes are fixed on him, can we be a delight and satisfaction to one another.

Every married couple should ask the question What does our marriage exist for?

We came up with this: We want our marriage to be a partnership with the purpose of participating in God’s work of salvation in us, and those around us.

I mentioned in my last post how God’s covenants existed for something greater than the relationship between him and those he loved with promise. Attached to it was a purpose with far-reaching, eternal blessing.

This revelation about the nature of covenants propelled Mark and I toward a change in heart and thought. Suddenly, intimacy wasn’t the goal or object of our efforts. Rather, learning how to partner together in our journey of faith, learning how to love each other and others with greater intention and grace, learning to surrender our family to God’s will – these have become what we’re working toward, the purpose of our relationship. And the fruit has been intimacy, a fuller understanding of one another, and greater compatibility.

It doesn’t mean our needs aren’t important to one another. It doesn’t mean we don’t look to each other to satisfy. It just means we’re striving to be vulnerable to God first, our mate second.

It is not the burden of our spouse to make us whole, to fulfill our needs. Sure, we may know that in our minds and can speak it confidently. But if we lived like we believed this truth, our relationships would look different. We would have fever expectations and less disappointment (those go hand-in-hand) in our spouses. We would respond with greater grace when our mate can’t anticipate a need we have, or when they fail to follow through with something important to us. We would be slower to abandon each other because of unhappiness, dissatisfaction or lack of compatibility…or even infidelity.

If the purpose of our marriage is satisfaction, then of course we’re going to leave it when after seven, nine or twenty years we still aren’t fulfilled by one another.

If the purpose of our marriage is our children, then it’s understandable that we flee the nest when they do.

If the purpose of our marriage is faithfulness, then it makes sense why infidelity breaks covenants permanently.

If the purpose of our marriage is until death do us part, then I get why so many couples stay together without really partnering or addressing the heart issues that would increase the blessing of their covenant.

God’s covenant with his people experienced dissatisfaction, unhappiness, children leaving, complacency and infidelity – all the broken realities that resulted when sin entered our relationships. But God remained faithful to the purpose of why he promised himself to his people in the first place: restoring creation back to himself.

Salvation. That’s God’s mission on this earth, a mission that happens in and through us. It’s the making whole what is broken. It’s the healing of what is hurting. It’s the restoring of what is lost.

If marriage is the working out of our salvation {and that of others}, then it changes the whole way we approach our issues. They are less personal, less offensive.

For example, Mark and I are approaching our arguments with greater patience, less blame. Because we’re choosing to focus on what our arguments and struggles reveal about us, and not on how they offend and hurt.

If marriage is the working out of our salvation {and that of others}, then it changes the way we devote our time and resources. It’s less about us, and more about what God is doing around us.

This encourages Mark and I to make efforts to share what we have to benefit and bless others. Sometimes this means sacrificing precious family time to be available to someone else. Or opening up about our struggles in order to encourage someone in theirs. This means fewer boundaries for us, more engagement in the community around us, and commitments to people we love in Uganda.

If marriage is the working out of our salvation {and that of others}, then it’s okay when your relationship is hard or not where you want it to be. It just means you’re right where God wants you: in a place where you need him.

Mark and I are getting more comfortable with our struggles. We’re beginning to appreciate the effort it takes to become more like Jesus together. And we try to spend more time delighting in the parts of our relationship that bring life and joy to our family, and glory to God. We don’t have this all figured out yet, but we’re committed to the journey. And are thankful to be on it together.

Enjoy these old pictures! It seems like different people….I guess in many ways it is….