Fear {the contraceptive of the soul}

I sat there in the movie theater proud to be Fun Mom after a long month of being Distracted Mom. 5 kids sipping on frozen cokes and stuffing their faces with popcorn drizzled with fake butter. I am SO fun…sometimes!

As it turns out, the Croods are a cave family who live in the dark to stay alive, fearing all things — particularly anything new, and especially the light.

Interesting, I thought. My weary soul from this month’s events had me wondering if it was coincidence or divine intervention that I was watching this particular animated story.

Fear keeps us alive, said their father. Never stop being afraid.

This mantra had the Croods in a rhythm of life that never changed. It was void of adventure and ideas and trust. They hid in caves and felt safer in the dark. And by fearing all things, they took precautions that seemed necessary to stay alive.

Until one day their curious daughter challenged the status quo. This isn’t living. It’s just not dying, she said. Her conviction and curiosity led her away from their normal as she went searching for the light, which represented new people, new places and new journeys.

After a family journey of discovery, the Croods no longer want to live in caves, where darkness kept them from truly living.

The world is still cruel. But we know we’re gonna make it ‘cause we changed the rules – the ones that kept us in the dark. And from now on we’ll stay out here where we can follow the light.

Fear. It quickly and completely takes you over. With no mercy. No shame. It haunts your mind with lies and holds you captive in its life sucking grip. And the worst part of fear is the way it distracts you. From everything normal. From all the life happening around you. From the Voice of Truth trying to whisper in your ear. From the words of praise at the tip of the tongue. From the prayers of the heart longing to spill out.

Fear is truly and utterly from the enemy. It’s a stealer and preventer of life. And I want nothing to do with it.

For over a month now, I’ve been experiencing some strange symptoms concerning my bladder and all things lower abdominal. I’ll spare you all the details! But after a few normal causes were ruled out, I was immediately consumed with fear that it might be something serious. My logical mind knows it’s more likely to be something minimal, a random change in the body that will work itself out. But fear has me convinced I need to be worried. It has me struggling to hear the Lord’s voice, the one that heals and comforts and reminds.

Over a week ago, I realized how heavy the whole thing felt, yet the burden seemed unequally yoked to the reality. Like a sack of potatoes that felt like a load of boulders weighing down on me.

I stepped outside of my fear, outside of the physical experience, to peer into the spiritual. And I remembered my word: surrender. And all the ways I’m trying to loosen my grip on the things I control, in order to trust in the Lord and his perfect will.

Getting real honest here….the control of when and how many children Mark and I have is one of the things I’ve been praying about. I genuinely see many good reasons for couples to prevent future children. But I cannot say with any level of certainty that any form of birth control is faithful for Mark and me. We have sought after the Lord in the making of our family. We have surrendered many selfish desires to receive our five beautiful children. But even in our discernment and faith, it has always felt so much safer to ultimately place these cards in our hands, rather in those of our Creator. He is a giver of life. And I prevent it very regularly.

Many Christian communities have welcomed birth control without much discernment or wonder. This creative consequence of a divinely human activity becoming a choice, something controlled by human hands, has created far-reaching consequences worth talking about it, praying about. This isn’t something most people talk very honestly about, and I hope my words aren’t awkward and I definitely hope you don’t feel any judgment from them. Because I have no opinion about anyone else in this matter, only us.

Mark and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to seek the Lord in something that is so completely his to begin with. And so, we’ve been praying. Struggling. Talking. We’ve identified our selfishness in the matter. We’ve recognized the ways we have been faithful with it, and how our hold on the reins and our spacing of children helped us feel available to adopt Myles.

We have no regrets. But we feel the Lord pressing into us about our future. It’s not been an easy place to be. But my friend articulated what my heart was trying to: I trust the Lord in so many little things, and I desperately want to trust him in the big things too.

And so, I let go a little. I surrendered to a moment (wink wink). I made myself open to the possibility of life. And it felt vulnerable and spiritual. And even though I felt some regret, I chose to trust in what God would do with my surrender.

Two days later is when my symptoms started. And the entire area of my body that I surrendered {with wavering trust} has increasingly felt attacked for the past month.

The enemy is against life. I know he must loathe my surrender to the Lord, my willingness to embrace something I’m not even quite sure I want! All because I trust in Him. Surely the things I am experiencing in the physical are no coincidence with what I’m trying to surrender in the spiritual.

And the whole experience has evoked fear in me, which has distracted me from my surrender, making me hesitant in the journey. As I became resentful of the way fear has prevented life in me this month, I humbly began to recognize how I’ve been doing the very same thing: I have prevented life. With my unavailability. My choices. My control. My unwillingness.

May God show me the ways I control the birth of new life in me. All the ways I hinder his abundance, his growth, his creation – in and around me. Just like fear does. I want to follow the Light. I don’t want to miss out on life journeys because I’m hiding in my safe cave.

Today I have a doctor’s appointment and I am hoping to receive some answers. Will you pray with me, and my already praying community? I weave my physical and spiritual experiences of this month together and pray for God’s sovereign will to cover every detail in grace.