Knowing Why

[bl]T[/bl]here’s been an increasingly obvious sibling tension running through our home. There’s always been a power struggle between the boys. Dear friends, they are. Rarely separated, nearly like twins. But they’re not. One is older and one is younger and those seventeen and half months create a distinct sibling rivalry. The older – the one who sets his ambitions high — just wants to be good…and right…at everything. The younger one is tired of comprising, and isn’t too young to express it anymore. But more than getting his way, he wants to be like the older brother. Luke is a tough act to follow. He’s good at most things. His efforts are rarely in vain. And Connor witnesses this. At any moment’s time, wrestling turns into fighting, laughing turns into crying.  And I stand on the outside wondering when and how to interject mediation, punishment, affirmation and wisdom. I’m in a mode of continual parental discernment.

The dynamic that is relatively new, however, is the one between the younger brother and the sister who follows him.  From a young age these two have been sister brother buddies. Connor crosses over into little girl make believe to play with Lydia Jane. It’s not surprising, because he’s the tender one who just wants to love and be loved. Even Ugandans knew this about him, and gave him the Soga name Baagalana, “loving to each other.”

Lately, Connor has been making fun of Lydia Jane. Criticizing her and making her feel like she isn’t smart. She’s gracious about it, and doesn’t want him to know it hurts her.

This week we encountered a specific incident where his words pierced her. She held strong, but I know it hurt. Her strength is both beautiful and difficult for me to watch. Because I know why she’s strong. She was abandoned before she knew love. She lived in three different countries the first three years of her life. She was the first child with different skin. She’s very small for her age. And her sister looks like the mother she wishes she looked like. These realities either weaken you or strengthen you. She has lived strong, with such beauty and grace.

As I watch this sister brother bond threatened, I know it’s time to talk. Really talk.

I lay on the bed with Connor and ask him why he tears her down. Why he chooses to use his tongue as a weapon against her. He doesn’t know why, but he recognizes his behavior. That’s a start.

I tell him I have theory as to why he’s so hard on her. He listens.

You feel small and insignificant next to Luke. So you turn around and make Lydia Jane feel small, because it makes you feel big.

He hangs his head, ashamed. Yes, he says. That’s why.

Our insecurities powerfully dictate our behavior and the way we relate. We judge others, because we want to avoid our own sin. We hurt others in an effort to protect ourselves. We tear people down so we somehow feel better about our own flaws. This destructive way of relating threatens relationships. In spouses, siblings, friends, parents. It leads to death, not life.

The following day, Connor and Lydia Jane played all day together. She didn’t even want to go to ballet because her day with him was so satisfying and she didn’t want it to end.  At one point I asked Connor if it was helpful to understand his why. Why he was doing what he was going. He confirms, Yes, it helps me to stop. The truth set him free! We stopped to praise God for this victory.

Understanding why we do what we do is powerful. It leads to healing and changed behavior. It allows us access to our own heart, welcoming the spirit of God to shape it differently. And when we seek to understand the why of others – why they are poor, why they misbehave, why they are critical, why they over work, why they have a temper — it helps us receive them with grace.

Our behavior is merely a response of who we are. There are deep truths that lay beneath our actions.  A hospitable spirit will seek out that truth. In his own life. And in the life of others. So that he can offer grace.

Today is Connor’s birthday. I celebrate the day he was born upside down in this world. But I praise God for the life he continues to create in Connor. The new life that shapes him to be more like Jesus.

These siblings…who are working out their salvation in relationship with each other….and deciding which face they should carve on their pumpkin.