When Your Environment of Grace Makes People Feel Left Out

Lydia Jane turned 10 on Saturday. We had a super special week planning her celebration together. We share a love for design and all things fashion. It was clear from the start we make great party partners! The most special part of planning a party {to me} is creating the guest list. Because in my hospitality heart, the party has everything to do with the people, and very little to do with the cute table { I always enjoy setting}.

But….the guest list can also be complicated. Because in my hospitality heart, the question I always ask is How can I not invite _____? And _____? And _____?

Sometimes the list has a clear boundary. There is a certain number or group of people that make sense to invite to the particular event you’re planning. But sometimes the line is blurry. And when you invite this person, then you ought to also invite that person and this person…..

Children’s parties are no different.

Lydia Jane has never had a true birthday party with friends. Her day has always been uniquely celebrated with loved ones of all ages, and several of them were spent in Uganda where she had few peers. So this tenth birthday was shaping up to be very special for her and she anticipated it with great excitement. And just when I began to get super excited with and for her, she shared with me her short list of friends she wanted to invite.

You might think I would be thankful for a short guest list. Fewer giggly girls, less food to buy, less chaos. But truthfully, I immediately struggled with her not including certain friends. And as her mother, I felt it my responsibility to push back on her decision and initiate conversations about inclusion. She heard my words and understood my concerns. And after she listened to me, I listened to her.

For Lydia Jane, the short guest list had nothing to do with not wanting to invite certain people. Instead, she was creating an environment that felt safe and comfortable for her. Lydia Jane has a darling personality that shines bright only around a few people. Many have never even seen this side of her. She keeps it quiet in large groups, hidden from people she doesn’t know very well. At ten years old, this sweet daughter of mine was able to communicate to me how she needed her celebration small and vibrant – just like her I thought.

I wanted so badly to enforce what I thought she should do. But instead of imposing my value of inclusion, I took the time to share with her the consequences she would likely encounter if she didn’t expand her list. After a week of considering and praying about both her needs and the feelings of the uninvited friends, Lydia Jane came back to me with the same list of five friends.

Deep down inside I think I anticipated being disappointed in her if she came back to me with the same list. Because I’d like to think my children will make choices that will honor the feelings of other people. I expected that answer to feel a little selfish to me.

But I was wrong.

In that week she was praying and deciding, I was also praying. And I think God allowed me to feel comfortable with Lydia Jane’s need for an intimate party. I felt proud that she understood her own heart. And it felt very satisfying to help her create an environment of grace that was for her, not me, not anyone else.

She shined that night. Brighter than I’d ever seen her. It was beautiful to watch.

As expected, there have been some consequences, some hurt feelings. And it is these situations, and the conversations that emerge, that help friends grow and understand each other as they communicate feelings and needs in loving ways.

I hope my children are people of welcome, people who include others in their everyday normal and their special moments. I pray that my children create environments that are gracious to other people, even if that means sometimes they sacrifice their own want or need.

But even more than all of that, when my children create a boundary that feels important for them in that moment, and it hurts someone else, I hope I have taught them how to communicate through the hurt, and how to apologize for how their choices made others feel left out.

I share this story with you because our environments of grace look different from each other’s. And I image we’ve all unintentionally hurt someone when looking out for our own needs.

I pray the body of Christ is defined by the stretching of boundaries and the welcome of people. But there are certain moments in our life when the environment needs to be created for our own needs, and the grace needs to happen to us.

I pray I’m able to recognize those moments for myself, and for my family. And when I’m the one feeling left out, the one on the outside of someone’s environment. I hope God gives me the grace to recognize that moment for that friend.